The anesthesiologist told me moments before the C-Section was complete that when I heard the “really loud suction noise” that I could stand up and look over the curtain that separated me (and my wife’s head) from the area where they were performing major surgery. All at once he exclaimed, “That’s it!” I jumped up and much to my surprise I did not see a baby. I saw the doctor elbow-deep inside my wife’s abdomen. It looked like he was leaning in, reaching for her tonsils. I felt the blood fall from my head to somewhere just above my feet. Either I was going to hit the floor, or I was going to man up REALLY fast. God pulled me through and I was able to be the rock I needed to be.
Some days later I found myself with an intense desire to witness my infant son’s circumcision. The intensity of the actual procedure was muted by the moments that led up to it. The doctor and her staff explained what was going on, why they were performing each step, and were already instructing me on how to care for my son in the near future.
The deed was finally done. As I looked on I realized two things. First of all this was definitely the most painful, heartfelt cry my son had ever produced. Second, this was the first time I had ever seen tears in his little eyes. My eleven-day old son was shrieking in pain. His little body was locked up, and tears were flowing down the sides of his face. There was nothing I could do. My boy needed me and I couldn’t rescue him. I had to stand there and watch my son suffer at the hands of strangers.
All in an instant the Holy Spirit ministered to me in what was the most supernatural way I’ve ever felt Him. What was conveyed was, “Jeffrey, do you now have some vague understanding of what I went through when strangers beat my Son senseless? I had to watch my Son suffer in ways you’ll never have to.” This thought was more than profound, but it was what He said next that almost brought me to my knees in that doctor’s office.
He said, “I know how much you love your son and how his tears hurt you. But you can’t comprehend how much I love mine. And I endured his tears and suffering for you.”
I closed my eyes and saw red words from my Bible that said,
“…Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46) (ESV)
Noah is six months old now.
It dawned on me the other day that sometimes I don’t even see him as a baby, I just see his standing in my family. I’d do anything for that little boy. I have to step back from time to time and remind myself that he’s completely unable to relate to a single thing that happens in my life. I could not confide in him or ask him for advice. I could never ask him for a favor or lean on him during a rough spot. But I loved him enough to die for him the minute he was born. My love for him changes as he grows, but I don’t love him more. My love for him is 100% unconditional, and 100% of what I have to give.
I felt God say to my spirit, “I love you. I love you EVEN THOUGH you’re a baby. You can’t relate to me. You’re incapable of understanding anything at my level. But when I look at you I don’t see baby Jeffrey. I see a family member. Jeff, no matter how spiritually immature you are, you’re part of my family.
I was reminded of 1 John 3:1 which says,
“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” (ESV)
I’m starting to realize that Noah was given to me so that God could use him to help raise me.
Copyright © 2011 Jeff Markins. Used by permission.
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