Image Source: YouTube Screenshot/The Meeting House
Members of one megachurch in Canada have received more shocking news about their religious leaders who have been accused of sexual assault and misconduct.
The Meeting House in Oakville, Ontario held a meeting last week where leadership announced dozens of reports of abuse and harm done to congregants.
A statement on the church’s website revealed that a third-party victim advocate named Melodie Bisell was hired in March to respond to concerns over sexual misconduct by any pastor, staff member, or lay leader within the church.
“To date, our victim advocate Melodie has received 38 inquiries. She’s documenting each story and is committed to advocating on their behalf,” said Jennifer Hryniw, a member of the Board of Overseers. “The inquiries are not all unique or separate but they do represent allegations, disclosures, and concerns relating primarily to clergy sexual misconduct, harassment, and abuse by Kieran Naidoo, Dave Churchill, Bruxy Cavey, and Tim Day.”
The news comes just one week after CBN News reported that Cavey, the church’s primary teaching pastor, was arrested and accused of sexual assault following a police investigation. Cavey had been employed at the church from 1996 to 2021.
“We’ve also heard stories of brave individuals who have tried to address the culture of immorality in the past and they felt shut down and alienated by the church,” Hryniw said. “Each story we’ve read causes us deep grief but we know it’s only a fraction of the pain that the victims, both men and women, have experienced.”
She went on to explain that the reported incidents are not new or recent and that they were surprising to many in the church family.
Hryniw pointed out that the church has established a subcommittee to address the misconduct reports and is responding to each case.
Another subcommittee was created to update church policies to clarify guidelines on accountability, supervision, and best practices in handling cases of abuse.
Hryniw explained why the church has not been able to address all of the questions related to the investigation.
“It’s time-consuming for a small group of volunteers and we’re learning as we go. What I can tell you is that we are trying to tread carefully and faithfully,” she said. “We’re also prayerfully seeking understanding and not treating these stories as separate, unique and distinct situations but that as a narrative that unfortunately is woven through our story as a church.”
Cavey will appear before a judge in the city of Hamilton on June 27.
Naidoo, who was a youth pastor at the church, was arrested and charged in 2021 by the Ontario Provincial Police with involvement in a large-scale child pornography investigation dating back to 2012. He was charged with sexual exploitation, according to Religion News.
Churchill, who was also a youth pastor at The Meeting House, was charged with sexual assault and sexual exploitation for an incident in 2014.
Lastly, Day served as a senior pastor at the church for 14 years and was accused of sexual misconduct.
If you have any information that you believe could assist investigators regarding these crimes, contact Canadian Detective Constable Jeremy Miller at 905-540-5050 or Detective Sergeant Jennifer Currie at 905-546-4962.
To provide information anonymously call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-8477 or submit your anonymous tips online at https://crimestoppershamiIton.com.
Wave of violent attacks on churches across the US – he details on today’s Quick Start Podcast from CBN. Listen here:
I’ve decided to tackle one of the most difficult kinds of abuse there is: sexual. While any kind of abuse is damaging and wicked, sexual abuse is exceptionally destructive because of the twisted mixture of its physical, emotional, and spiritual elements. Most people refuse to talk about it, but all that does is leave millions of people stuck in their pain, shame, and despair. I don’t want you there. I want you to be a whole person, healed and recovered from whatever negative things have happened in your life. So let’s tackle this issue together
I know you hear me say this a lot, but it’s true: Nothing stomps out the effects of sexual abuse more than openly talking about it. In talking about it you bring the hurt and confusion into the light where the pain can be washed away. If you have been, or are being abused, and never told anyone, the first, most important thing you can do is tell someone else. The more you tell your story the better. Please contact TheHopeLine. All chats are free, safe, and private. If you are in immediate danger, contact the police (911) as soon as possible. You can also call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
I would not bring up this subject if I did not believe there is tremendous hope for you. But you must take the lead and speak up, ask for help. You may have heard me say, many times before, it is not your fault you were violated. Take that step and tell someone you trust all about it. By doing this you have made your first step on a journey to healing. I am so proud of you.
You are not alone. Others have shared their stories of abuse to help you and others that have been abused find hope. Remember…You matter!
The disturbing trend of silencing speakers who don’t speak the official narrative is causing angst for Joe and Jane citizen as big tech happily joins in on the censorship. This high tech lynching has recently been expanded to forcibly silencing congressmen and state legislators. This enforced silence does not allow the full range of ideas to be aired in public. This forced silence also violates a foundational principle of our Constitutional Republic and the Free Speech clause of the First Amendment. Enforced silence is a form of abuse. Abuse is known to cause fear, anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
Attorneys are taught that if you can’t win on the facts, argue the procedures.
Those who don’t have the facts on their side and feel insecure feel they have the right to forcibly silence opposing views.
Writing for the majority, Justice William O. Douglas says that the “function of free speech … is to invite dispute. It may indeed best serve its high purpose when it induces a condition of unrest, creates dissatisfaction with conditions as they are, or even stirs people to anger.” In Terminiello v. Chicago, the Supreme Court limits the scope of the “fighting words” doctrine (1)
In what would become one of the most famous passages in First Amendment history, Justice Brennan announced our First Amendment freedoms represented a “profound national commitment to the principle that debate on public issues should be uninhibited, robust, and wide-open.” , the Supreme Court In New York Times Co. v. Sullivan.(1)
Justice Louis Brandeis writes in his concurring opinion a passage that becomes a fundamental First Amendment principle: “If there be time to expose through discussion the falsehood and fallacies, to avert the evil by the processes of education, the remedy to be applied is more speech, not enforced silence” in WHITNEY V. CALIFORNIA (1)
First Amendment
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Arguably, the First Amendment is also most important to the maintenance of our Constitutional Republic.
The first part of the First Amendment reflects the framers’ experience with the long history of religious strife in Europe. They realized that religious discord can be explosive and cause tremendous disruption in politics. It would be doubly so if one religious sect were favored over all others. So, they ensured that federal government cannot interfere in the citizens’ practice of their religion.
The freedoms of speech, press, assembly and the right to petition the government and seek redress of grievances proclaim that citizens have the right to hold the government accountable. Freedom of speech and press allows citizens to communicate their ideas verbally and in writing, while freedom of assembly lets them publicly express a common interest. The right to petition allows citizens to point out to the government where it did not follow the law, to seek changes, as well as damages for their missteps
“Liberty is to faction – [political parties or movements] what air is to fire, an aliment without which it instantly expires,” said James Madison, the principal framer of the Constitution. “But it could not be less folly to abolish liberty, which is essential to political life, because it nourishes faction, than it would be to wish the annihilation of air, which is essential to animal life, because it imparts to fire its destructive agency.” (2)
Robust debate is essential to our form of government, a Constitutional Republic. Without robust debate cigarette ads would still air on TV. Without robust debate Doctors would still be recommending certain cigarettes in TV ads. Without robust debate women could not own property. Without robust debate women would not have the right to Vote.
Let’s shut down enforced silence and return to honest robust debates.
Prime Minister Trudeau Announces That Canadians Do Not Appreciate Him Enough, Therefore a National Emergency Should Remain
February 21, 2022 by Sundance
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau exhibits the classic pathological traits of an abuser, refusing to allow his victims to question his authority. It really is quite remarkable, and we are not saying that in the figurative sense, we mean it literally. Think of an abusing spouse who is finally confronted by his victim after their family intervenes to confront the situation. The parallels of the dynamic are remarkable in the context of Trudeau’s effort.
During his public remarks earlier today when addressing his victims, Trudeau takes the classic abuser stance and claims outside influences have poisoned their minds and provided “misinformation and disinformation” against him and his government. He demands that members of Parliament respond to the victim’s protests against his authority by supporting his need for more powerful tools against anyone who would challenge him. The Canadian government must keep their victims isolated and weak.
All of Trudeau’s heavily ideological remarks are couched with passive aggressive tones and linguistics. He claims it is not his fault the people rose up in protest to challenge his unilateral COVID mandates; however, now that they have, the government must punish them as a result of their challenge in order to restore the peace that he provides. The remarks are classic abuser obfuscations. WATCH (prompted 2:30):
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau exhibits the classic pathological traits of an abuser, refusing to allow his victims to question his authority. It really is quite remarkable, and we are not saying that in the figurative sense, we mean it literally. Think of an abusing spouse who is finally confronted by his victim after their family intervenes to confront the situation. The parallels of the dynamic are remarkable in the context of Trudeau’s effort.
During his public remarks earlier today when addressing his victims, Trudeau takes the classic abuser stance and claims outside influences have poisoned their minds and provided “misinformation and disinformation” against him and his government. He demands that members of Parliament respond to the victim’s protests against his authority by supporting his need for more powerful tools against anyone who would challenge him. The Canadian government must keep their victims isolated and weak.
All of Trudeau’s heavily ideological remarks are couched with passive aggressive tones and linguistics. He claims it is not his fault the people rose up in protest to challenge his unilateral COVID mandates; however, now that they have, the government must punish them as a result of their challenge in order to restore the peace that he provides. The remarks are classic abuser obfuscations. WATCH (prompted 2:30):
Your inability to move beyond my slamming your head into the counter because you didn't make a good sandwich is a reflection of how annoying you are; this is why you make me so frustrated.
A “fairness ordinance” in a Nebraska city has triggered a firestorm, with one state pro-family organization claiming it will trample on First Amendment rights.
The Lincoln City Council, located in the state capital, passed the ordinance on Feb. 14, according to a report by the Lincoln Journal Star.
“This 67-page ordinance affects everyone in the city from churches and schools to your gym and local swimming pool. It’s a nonpartisan issue,” Karen Bowling, executive director of the Nebraska Family Alliance said in a Feb. 18 statement. “The ordinance penalizes citizens for expressing a worldview different from those currently in positions of political power.”
The group claimed in a Feb. 15 release that the 67-page ordinance was an effort to circumvent a referendum on a version of the bill that passed in 2012 that was tied up by a signature campaign.
“Our message is simple: Let Us Vote. The Lincoln City Council should not be allowed to circumvent the will of the citizens of Lincoln,” the group said.
The ordinance includes an expansion of the city’s ban on “conversion therapy” and expands the definition of harassment. The Lincoln Human Rights Commission, a nine-person panel, would be empowered to enforce the measure, according to the ordinance.
“This ordinance is anything but fair – it should be called the ‘unfairness ordinance.’ It puts girls at risk by allowing men into girls’ bathrooms. It applies to private schools and not to public schools,” Nebraska Gov. Pete Ricketts said in a statement provided to the Daily Caller News Foundation. “It prevents parents from helping their kids who are experiencing gender dysphoria. And it threatens to bankrupt families who instill traditional values on their children — anyone who disagrees could get fined up to $50,000.”
“I have been vocal across Nebraska and in Lincoln that I don’t believe children should be allowed access to life-altering gender transition surgeries. This week, the Lincoln City Council made it illegal for me to say that publicly in Lincoln without threat of serious fines and civil penalties,” Jim Pillen, a University of Nebraska regent running for governor, said in a statement from his campaign. “Freedom of speech and religion are a cornerstone of our country and what it means to be American. It is unconscionable that a city government believes they can dictate the thoughts, actions, and beliefs of its citizens.”
If opponents of the ordinance gather 4,137 signatures in 15 days, the Lincoln City Council will have to either repeal the ordinance or put it up for a referendum, according to the Nebraska Family Alliance.
“The Constitution prohibits public officials from telling citizens what they can and cannot say,” Ryan Bangert, senior counsel and Vice President of legal strategy at the Alliance Defending Freedom told the DCNF. “But the Lincoln City Council’s ordinance does just that by outlawing dissent from its state-imposed orthodoxy on sex, marriage, and gender identity ideology.”
“This ordinance is a law worthy of a totalitarian state, not a constitutional republic. It is brazenly unconstitutional,” Bangert added.
The Lincoln Human Rights Commission did not respond to a request for comment from the DCNF.
Is America heading down a totalitarian path blazed by Trudeau?
Congressmen issue dire warnings that the U.S. will be next
By Bob Unruh February 22, 2022
Joe Biden walks along the West Colonnade, decorated with American flags for the Infrastructure Investment and Jobs Act signing ceremony, Monday, Nov. 15, 2021, at the White House. (Official White House photo by Adam Schultz)
A vast majority of Americans not only know about Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s emergency declaration, where he essentially assumed the powers of a monarch and began issuing orders that cut into rights of free speech, free expression, free association and more, they oppose it.
Could never happen in the United States, right?
Well, two members of Congress, one on the Senate and one in the House, are pointing out that when extremists are in power, they do, well, the extreme.
First, a report at Star News Network pointed out that just days ago, Joe Biden extended a declaration of a national COVID emergency.
Even though COVID vaccination numbers are high, case reports are plunging and even Democrat governors are dropping their mask demands – in light of the overwhelming public opposition and a recognition that the 2022 midterms are only months away.
The report explained Biden sent a letter to congressional leaders claiming, “There remains a need to continue this national emergency.”
He claimed, “The COVID-19 pandemic continues to cause significant risk to the public health and safety of the nation. More than 900,000 people in this nation have perished from the disease, and it is essential to continue to combat and respond to COVID-19 with the full capacity and capability of the federal government.”
Most of those deaths have been on Biden’s watch.
Biden can’t give up his authoritarian chokehold on your life. He needs an excuse for unsolicited mail in ballots for upcoming midterm elections to justify his reckless and irresponsible spending of your children's and grandchildren's future. Criminal!! https://t.co/hYV25gxE8W
The extension was done in the face of a plan proposed in Congress to end the emergency.
U.S. Sen. Roger Marshall, R-Kan., has proposed a bill to revoke many of the federal government’s extended powers regarding the pandemic.
Marshall told Fox News Digital, “With COVID cases and hospitalizations on the decline, 94 percent of Americans having immunity to COVID, mask mandates falling by the wayside, and 70 percent of Americans agreeing ‘it’s time we accept that COVID is here to stay’ and that ‘we just need to get on with our lives,’ it’s clear we need a new approach to COVID as we learn to live with it.”
He said the beginning of that effort is to end the “state of emergency.”
It was Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., who warned of a possible second blow to fall.
When Canada became Egypt . . . ruled by emergency edict that allows prohibition of public assembly, travel, and the commandeering of private companies without your day in court.https://t.co/wvX2BydS4x
In a report at Summit News, he said the emergency “powers” being tossed about by Trudeau also could bite the United States.
The report explained, “Appearing on the BASED Politics podcast, Paul described the statute being used by the Canadian Prime Minister as ‘very, very dangerous,’ noting ‘We have the same sort of statutes here, and I have long-time been an opponent of these.'”
He said, “We actually have in the United States an Emergency Act that allows the president to shut down the internet.”
He called for changes to the law.
“There are some emergencies in the U.S. that have been going on for many, many decades. And the president can just renew them every year. There’s no real stopping him,” he said. “And so the emergency edict that Trudeau has done in Canada allows him to do some horrendous things, allows him to stop travel, allows him to detain people without trial. Now we don’t know that he’s going to do that, but it is very, very worrisome what he might do.”
Standing woman holds hand outstretched to stop abuse, protecting abused woman or teenager, crumpled on the sidewalk. Floodlit, city scene with textured brick wall and sidewalk background.
“And Jesus answered and said to them: ‘Take heed that no one deceives you. For many will come in My name, saying, “I am the Christ,” and will deceive many’ ” (Matt. 24: 4-5).
NXIVM is old news. Keith Raniere has joined the ranks of such infamous cult leaders as Marshall Applewhite, Jim Jones, Warren Jeffs, and David Koresh [1].
But the NXIVM phenomenon has lessons for us. Here are a few:
1. A charismatic leader may not be what he claims.
All that glitters is not gold.
Though venerated as a virtual god, Keith Raniere was originally an Amway distributor [2A]. The self-proclaimed guru and life coach called himself the “smartest man in the world” when, in fact, he had difficulty completing college.
2. The endorsement of celebrities is no guarantee of an organization’s trustworthiness.
NXIVM was supported by Seagrams heiresses, Clare and Sara Bronfman, to the tune of some $85 million [2B].
Among the celebrities who once endorsed NXIVM were actresses Allison Mack, India Oxenberg, and Sarah Edmondson [3]. Keith Raniere even appeared with the Dalai Lama.
3. Hierarchy and ritual are no guarantees of an organization’s spirituality.
NXIVM had both.
4. Finances often reveal the true nature of an organization.
Actions speak louder than words. Lofty sounding goals are not enough.
Keith Raniere promised his followers they would change the world [2C]. Instead, Raniere’s actions confirmed his desire for sex, money, and power.
Legally, NXIVM was comprised of dozens of shell corporations, their finances dubious [2D]. Functionally, NXIVM was little more than a pyramid scheme, designed to bilk Raniere’s followers of their savings [2E].
A seemingly endless series of classes were heavily promoted. All promised self-knowledge and self-improvement, albeit at a cost. Meanwhile, members often went unpaid for their labor.
Raniere’s earlier venture, Consumer Buyline (a multi-level marketing company) was shut down in 1993 after being investigated for fraud by 20 states.
5. Excessive control is a major red flag.
There is a fine line between indoctrination and brainwashing; that line must not be crossed.
New members were introduced to NXIVM’s philosophy of “rational inquiry” at intensive, 14 hour-per-day seminars lasting more than 2 weeks.
Loyalty to NXIVM was emphasized over loyalty to family. The dress, diet, and life decisions of members were all closely regulated by NXIVM. Even the weight of members was monitored.
Other tactics employed at NXIVM included sleeplessness, isolation, starvation, corporal punishment, and coercion via blackmail. Cult leaders Jim Jones and Charles Manson, also, used “love bombing” – excessive displays of attention and affection intended to overwhelm [5].
6. Special access to a charismatic leader should not be mistaken for love.
NXIVM members vied for access to Keith Raniere, a fact he relished.
7. Lies do not become truth merely because they are enunciated by a charismatic leader.
“Also, everyone who claims victimhood is an abuser and every abuser is a type of victim.
-One of the many lies by Keith Raniere [2E]
NXIVM – and particularly the women’s group known as DOS (“Dominus Obsequious Sororium” or master over slave women) – was portrayed as empowering to women.
In fact, it was the opposite. Women were taught to ignore their instinct for self-preservation; to debase themselves and one another.
8. A charismatic leader may lead an abusive personal life.
“And the person should ask to be branded. Should say ‘Please, brand me. It would be an honor.’ Or something like that.”
-Keith Raniere [2F]
Keith Raniere claimed to be a celibate monk, while conducting regular sexual orgies [2G].
Relying on the damaging personal information they were required to disclose as proof of commitment, Raniere systematically exploited member vulnerabilities. He was known to have sexual relations with underage women.
As the world is now aware, DOS group members were branded with Raniere’s initials in their pelvic region, during a NXIVM ceremony.
9. An “enemies” list is not a good sign.
NXIVM made implicit and explicit threats against critics [2H]. Defectors were dragged through the courts on specious claims, if they attempted to speak out. Saddled with enormous legal bills, some were hounded into bankruptcy.
10. Secrets do not signify superior knowledge; they simply enable abuse.
“Silence is what gives powerful people the ability to commit abuses.”
-Moira Penza, Esq., former Assistant US Attorney [2I]
Ultimately, Keith Raniere was convicted of racketeering, sex trafficking, wire fraud, and forced labor [6]. He was sentenced to 120 years by the Brooklyn federal court in the Eastern District of New York.
500 Cults
But the danger has not passed. According to the Watchman Fellowshiphttps://watchman.org, there are over 500 cults in the world today [7] .
All idols have feet of clay. It is vital that we remember man is not God. Until we do, we will continue to be deceived.
A South Carolina woman, Alyssa Dayvault, 32 y.o., was convicted of two counts of homicide by child abuse for having killed her infant children – a girl and boy, born in 2017 and 2018, respectively [1A].
The Public Defender claimed that Dayvault had intended to give the children up for adoption. Instead, Dayvault hid both pregnancies from her mother and boyfriend, ultimately disposing of the children in trash bags.
Dayvault apologized in court to her two remaining children, but seemed oblivious to the harm to her dead infants. She was sentenced to 40 years.
Numb
“The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it?” (Jer. 17: 9).
We have, it seems, grown numb to the needs of our children. With 9 months to decide the fate of each of her children, this woman committed infanticide. Then did it again, a year later. The children were simply trash to her.
And Alyssa Dayvault is not alone. A Michigan woman, Antoinette Briley, 41 y.o., was charged with the murder of her twin sons in 2003 [2]. Evidence suggests she, too, discarded her newborns in the trash.
Reproductive Rights
Can we by any stretch of the imagination classify such callous and reprehensible indifference as the exercise of reproductive rights? The answer should be a resounding “No”. But we abort thousands of children daily, using the same rationale.
What must God think of us? How can we live with ourselves?
Abortion and God’s Forgiveness
A priest in Project Rachel, the post-abortion ministry of the Catholic Church, described the anguish experienced by many post-abortive women this way:
“Many feel they have committed ‘the unforgivable sin’ and are destined for hell, or that they deserve to be on death row. Most suffer this spiritual desolation in silence, too ashamed and feeling unworthy to seek reconciliation from God [3].”
Yet God stands ready to forgive, if we will only repent [4]. We may view ourselves as trash, for the lives we have led and the choices we have made. But God sees things differently. We remain His children.
“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved” (John 4: 17).
Twin baby boys less than 12 hours old have been found dead of blunt force trauma to the skull in an alleyway in the Bronx. A $10,000 reward is being offered for credible information about the deaths.
Standing woman holds hand outstretched to stop abuse, protecting abused woman or teenager, crumpled on the sidewalk.
We invite you to watch Melissa’s compelling story. She testifies to the power of God to upend darkness by transforming us from the inside out.
Because of your support for Mending the Soul, you give people like Melissa a template for helping others find the same freedom they’ve discovered.
May her testimony encourage you as you glimpse inside the MTS model to imagine the potency of one person’s healing journey to penetrate darkness with healing light.
“Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings…Then you will find your joy in the LORD.” – Isaiah 58:12, 14
You can help us continue bringing healing resources for those who need it most!
Abused young woman holding her hand up to say STOP
By Sue Cass
“There’s a difference between still being a victim of abuse and a survivor of abuse.
A person that still carries the shame, guilt, unforgiveness, has not healed the emotional issues from abuse, or is still being abused is continuing to be a victim.
The person that can stand tall, speak out with no shame, no guilt, and has walked the healing path is a survivor of the abuse that was perpetrated in the past. It isn’t just having ‘lived through the abuse.’ It is a matter of having walked the healing path and by God’s grace has over come the emotional issues and is walking in freedom from the past.
Many people want to be helpful and many think that their questions and statements are innocent and do not affect those that have been abused, be it childhood sexual abuse or spousal rape and abuse, or physical and emotional abuse.
Over the years I have heard many testimonies of the added pain inflicted upon victims and survivors of these types of abuse. I have experienced many of them myself and I can tell you from experience the survivor of abuse may steal herself/himself for the onslaught of ‘innocent’ questions and statements but these questions and/or statements are knives deeply imbedding in the heart of the one who has survived the horrors of abuse.
Never, never, never, ever say these things to a victim/survivor of abuse:
‘You could have done something to defend yourself.’
Let me ask you how a small child can defend herself against an adult? Or how can a wife defend herself against a husband that is bigger, stronger and wields some object, including his fist, at her? Or a teen girl or boy defend themselves against an angry father or mother? Children are taught to obey! Obey no matter what the parent says to do! Wives are taught to be ‘submissive’ to their husband.
‘Why didn’t you just leave?’
In the case of a small child, where would they go? A two-year old cannot support themselves, nor a 5-year-old or 7, 10, or 12-year-old. Teenagers? Some do leave and they end up on the street, homeless, the property of a pimp, or within a gang doing drugs, robbing, stealing, scavenging for food in dumpsters, and the Lord only knows what else. Many do not have relatives that will sympathize and take them in. For the grown woman, some are threatened with death if she ever leaves, she has children to consider, a homeless shelter may be a temporary answer IF they are not full, she may not have ever held a job in her life and has no means of support. The list can go on and on and on. I highly recommend the book, “TheWalking Wounded: The Path from Brokenness to Wholeness” by Secret Angel for a better understanding of a wife and mother living with an abusive husband. Available at: www.amazon.com.
“Why didn’t you tell someone!”
Many have, most won’t. With young children some have been told to “keep the secret no matter what!” Many were accused of lying, blamed for the assaults, beaten for “telling such lies,” ignored, threatened with family members being killed (and many other guilt-ridden consequences) Most have been subject to mind control from an early age, manipulated and controlled, blamed for the abuse by the abuser. One of the things I was told over and over as a young child, “Just stay away from him!” At two and three years old I was told, “If you wouldn’t sit on your dad’s lap…” We are made to feel it is all our fault! For teenagers some have been actually thrown out of the house at fifteen or sixteen years old or have run away because no-one believed them and the abuse continued. Some married the first guy to come along only to be abused now by a husband. Victims are seldom believed! Males are laughed at. “Men can’t be raped!” If that’s your attitude then read, “Unhelpful Myths Aboutthe Sexual Assault and Rape of Men.” Posted on this blog, June 10, 2015.
‘Well you should have……’ or ‘Why didn’t you…..?’
Unless you have been in our shoes there is no way you can even begin to understand or comprehend the dynamics that are or were going on in an abusive home. To lay this kind of condemnation on a victim is to jab the knife in real deep, smile sweetly, and then twist it!
‘Did you call the police?’
Young children don’t know to do that. Some teenagers do and end up in foster care only to be abused again or bounced from one place to another to another to another. Some, when the police arrive the abuser convinces the police the teen “has some mental problems.” Unless there are obvious bruises and cuts the police will file a report and leave. With adults, many do but out of a false sense of “I love him” or “He loves me” they refuse to press charges once the police have come. Many do not get that opportunity for the control is so great there may not even be a phone available in the home.
‘Just get over it! It happened a long time ago!’
There is no way that dagger can be shoved any deeper into the heart of the recipient of this remark. It is one of the most devastating, demeaning, accusatory, condemning and hurtful remarks that can be made to a victim of abuse. Particularly sexual abuse or rape. Which by the way, sexual abuse that involves intercourse is rape!
‘What’s the big deal? It was just sex!’
This shows total ignorance on the part of the speaker. Sexual abuse encompasses the mind, the will, the emotions, and the spirit of the victim. The ramifications and emotional consequences of childhood sexual abuse can last a life time. In spousal abuse, where the wife is raped by the husband (along with beatings, etc.) the same thing applies. The mind, will, and emotions are all involved and emotional damage can be severe as well as possible permanent physical injuries.
‘I’m sure they (parents) did the best they could.’
In my opinion, there is absolutely no excuse that can be given for a parent to turn his or her back on a child that is being abused emotionally, physically, psychologically, or sexually! There is always something that can be done or someone who is willing to help. We have had police and laws for centuries. By ignoring the abuse happening is emotional abandonment and anyone who knows or even highly suspects abuse is taking place and does nothing is a co-conspirator to the crimes that are being committed. That means by doing “nothing” you are doing “something” – agreeing with, condoning the abuse.
‘You just need to forgive and move on.’
Oh, this sounds so Christian! And of course this is done in “love.” Again, it shows the ignorance and total disregard for what abuse does to the victim; physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. The emotional pain of the victim is never taken into account with this statement. This statement gives the impression that the horrors the victim has survived are merely minor infractions. “Here’s a band-aid, I’ll kiss it and make it all better.” The knife goes really deep and twisting it hurts even more!
‘Are you sure it really happened?’
There’s that knife again! Survivors have questioned themselves until they are blue in the face with this very question even though they KNOW it happened. They do not want to believe that someone they trusted and possibly loved would betray them in such a horrific way. It is very difficult to accept the reality of being hurt, betrayed, and used by a loved one. To have this thrown at them turns the knife at least a full turn deep in their heart. Is essence you are calling them a liar and they’ve heard that from many others.
‘Give it to God and let it go.’
Oh such a simplistic and uncaring statement! Just twist the knife a little more for this is a platitude that many Christians will spew forth when they can’t think of anything intelligent to say. Yes, we seek the Lord, if we are not so angry at Him for not stopping the abuse. Some beg, plead, and scream to the heavens. Many victims of abuse carry great anger and through the grace of God we do heal but to tell us to just hand everything; emotional damage, memories, scars, and what we feel to God like we’re handing Him a stick of gum is irrational on many levels. The issues run deep and much emotional damage has been done. Each issue is dealt with in time with God’s help. We can not put an entire childhood or 20 years of an abusive marriage in a box and just cast it off and go about our merry way.
‘Maybe it was just a bad dream.’
You have not only stuck the knife in but have slapped the victim hard in the face. In my case, that would have been an 18 year nightmare! When victims of sexual abuse begin therapy, or even before, this thought does come to mind. “Maybe I dreamed it up. It isn’t true.” Again, it is that deep need to not want it to have had it happen. The bruises in spousal abuse prove this was not dream. A night mare in reality but not a dream during sleep. No, we didn’t dream it. We wish we had because we would wake up and it would go away after the 2nd cup of coffee.
‘Just don’t think about it!’
Total disregard for the hurt, betrayal, physical and emotional wounding of victim! Absolutely no compassion is being shown. Victims do not have control over what the Lord will bring to mind that He may deem as time to deal with or the memories popping up “out of nowhere.” Walk away from this person! They do not have a heart for your pain and will only cause more.
‘Well you must have done something wrong!’
In other words, “It’s all your fault!” We’ve heard this from the first encounter, be it as a child or an adult. Abusers NEVER take the blame! It is ALWAYS placed on someone or something else (usually the victim) and the knife is being twisted around and around as it has been sunk very deep into the heart of the victim. The child victim is NEVER to blame! With adults, there’s no excuse for a man to hit a woman, ever! Or a woman to hit a man unless in self-defense.
Are you ready? Here is the one that tops all that I have heard over the years! Out of the mouth of a youth pastor that had a seventeen year old victim living with he and his wife to escape the sexual abuse at home came these mighty words of wisdom so confidently spoken to me:
‘A one time rape is more devastating to the victim than continual sexual molestation, they get used to it.’
I’m still speechless!
Am I saying not to talk to survivors of abuse? NO! I’m saying be sympathetic, compassionate, and caring. If the person brings up the subject, listen before speaking. Think long and hard what questions you may want to ask. If you are sincere in learning more about what we have to face as the results from the atrocities done to us ask if there are any books we might recommend. Don’t give the platitude or outright lie by saying, “I know just how you feel.” NOT IF YOU HAVEN’T WALKED IN OUR SHOES!
Some survivors, like me, are willing to answer even the questions that you never should have asked. But that’s only because I have had years of therapy and by God’s grace and Christ’s healing I can stand up to the intrusive and inconsiderate questions and remarks. Many survivors will wilt, feel condemned, and damage beyond belief can be done. Words hurt! Words can be that knife in the heart!
Many victims of abuse are sensitive, guilt ridden, filled with shame, low self-esteem, angry, hurt, and pain so deep only God can bring it into the light. Many continue to feel isolated, unloved, dirty, and unworthy of anything positive.
Unfortunately, we hear too many stories about priests and other religious and orthodocs prominent figures abusing children. We will never understand that.
In Brazil, the parents of a 5-year-old girl learned the horrifying truth about their priest when their daughter drew some paintings.
The priest, Joao da Silva, 54 years old, admitted to abusing the girl when her parents confronted him.
A girl was taken to a meeting with a child psychologist, who suspected that the priest was sexually abusing her and asked the parents to look in her room for signs of this.
That was the moment they found the pictures she had drawn.
According to Karina Maia, a representative of the Delegation for Stopping Crimes Against Women pressure group, who spoke to the local media: “We found six drawings in the girl’s room. One of them that caught our attention shows the face of a naked man with an erect penis.”
The paintings leave no room for imagination.
You can see a person leaning over a girl (who is very scared). Da Silva was arrested by the Brazil Police on charges of sexually abusing a girl. Let’s hope he never gets a chance to hurt another boy or girl ever again.
The incident happened in the city of Montes Claros, in Minas Gerais in Brazil, in 2016.
My friend, I am so sorry for what you are experiencing, or have experienced. Your shoes are hard to live in, and you may be fighting just to survive the day to day. I pray for God to move mightily on your behalf, and that you may find your way of escape. I pray for protection over you and that God grants you wisdom in what to say and what to do. I know this is so hard, so wrong.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, so I share with you three things as you walk this journey.
First, educate yourself, a lot of people do not realize they are even in an abusive relationship until they begin to unpack what abuse is. See this abuse wheel for how abuse works. Just because it does not involve a physical blow, does not mean it is not severe abuse. You can be abused physically, emotionally, mentally, scripturally, sexually, financially, and/or verbally—and even just one taste of any of these is bitter, wrong, and unjustified. The National Domestic Hotline (1-800-799-7233 – SAFE) (TEXT ‘start’ 88788) (thehotline.org) offers a good deal of information for you including how to identify abuse, as often the subtleties are confusing. The more educated you are the more you will find your power and voice again.
Second, confide in a friend or trusted person. Begin to ally yourself with people who you can rely on their strength, their wisdom, and learn from their Godly perspective. Not everyone you confide in will be there for you, but you will find the one who is ‘at the ready’ to listen and help. Keep in mind you are telling something that is hard to wrap one’s mind around that one person could do this to another person. Also, keep in mind that it is a beautiful thing to hear ‘I believe you’—and the more you give voice to what is happening, the closer you are to your freedom.
Third, and finally, begin to see yourself in and through the eyes of the Scriptures. Do not believe the lies of the oppressor, the abuser—this is not true. You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), God is for you (Psalm 56:9), and He is a God of justice (Psalm 11:7)—He will strengthen you and keep you. Stay rooted in the word, you will find His strength becoming your own.
God He hears the prayers you cry with your lips, and the prayers whispered in your heart. He sees you, He hears you, and He knows you. And just in case no one has ever told you—you are beautiful, you are loved, and you are worth everything.
Kathleen Patterson, Ph.D. is a professor at the School of Business & Leadership, Regent University, and serves on the board of CareNet.
Woman coping with sexual abuse
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