Your spouse has blown it. You don’t trust him/her anymore. But you want to save your marriage. How can you learn to trust again? You’re going to need to rebuild your marriage from the bottom up.
This is the stage when you both put your hands up and surrender. This is where there are tears of anguish over the offense caused and tears of relief that it has been confessed and admitted. Actual tears or just tears of the heart say very loudly the two words that the person who was hurt wants to be convinced of, “I’m sorry.” This is where you get on your knees and say, “I can’t do this, Lord, I need your help to trust again.”
With that prayer comes the admission that you need God to help you in the rebuilding process. When forced to start at the bottom and work to rebuild, many times the spouse who has been hurt will do one of three things: run from it, deny it’s happening, or collapse into overwhelming fear and be unable to cope. If you get stuck in one or all of these, it gets you nowhere in the rebuilding process because you’re trusting in yourself to be in control.
Problem is, you are never in control. Unfortunately it may take a wake-up call to remind you of that. What you can know is that God is in control. When things get bad, you are called to turn your eyes off yourself and turn to him. Rather than depending on your own strength, which will only fail you, ask God for the strength to trust and love again.
You may have no hope that such huge problems can be solved. But when pain happens, you need to make a team. This is when you and your spouse join together and join God as you work through restoration. A counselor could be a part of the team as well in helping you work through the rebuilding process.
Next, you and your spouse need to start talking. Pray before communicating. If you’ve depended on God for strength to trust, you can also depend on God to help you communicate what’s really going on so that the other person will best understand. Be honest and yet speak the truth in love. This is when you both communicate your needs and your pain while working to regain trust.
As you talk to each other, don’t be talking to everyone else. While there is a time for your Christian friends to be involved in helping you through the difficult times of your life, this is not one of those where they need to hear all the details. This is between you and your spouse. As you work to rebuild your marriage, hold each other in respect enough to keep your mouths shut around your friends.
Be prepared for attacks. Remember, when you start to rebuild your marriage, the enemy will do all he can to tear it down. The last thing Satan wants is for you to be reconciled. He loves to put isolation and distrust into a relationship and drive people apart. When you seek to restore a relationship, the enemy gets busy and starts to throw doubts at you from within and attacks you from the outside. No matter who wants you to stay apart, God wants you to reconcile. Be aware and be ready for resistance!
Finally, don’t rush this process. It’s going to take time. This is going to be a journey. The element of time plays two roles in the rebuilding process. First, it takes time to heal the pain. Second, you also need time to add some positive experiences to a relationship that’s accustomed to pain. As two people spend time nurturing the relationship and storing up positive memories, the healing process is encouraged. Be willing to persevere.
*For more practical marriage advice, check out The Great Marriage Q&A Book. It’s available in our online bookstore!
America and its generations of traditional values are under attack these days, explains James Dobson in a new issue of his online newsletter.
For example, the House of Representatives recently voted against biblical marriage, the White House wants children to “change” their sex without telling their parents, Critical Race Theory teaches kids the nation is racist and Christians are being described as domestic terrorists by the leftist media.
Further, Joe Biden wants to install abortion “rights” all across the nation.
But the strongest assaults, Dobson said, are coming against marriage.
“In 1996, the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) reiterated that marriage consisted of one man and one woman. The bipartisan legislation was passed overwhelmingly by both the House and the Senate. Congress was echoing the will of the American people. Thirty-one states, conservative and liberal, had already voted to reaffirm that marriage is the union of one man and one woman,” he explained.
But today, only about 25 years later?
“All 220 Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives along with 47 Republicans voted to repeal DOMA in support of codifying same-sex marriage into federal law (H.R. 8404),” he said.
“Even as I write this, it is uncertain as to whether or not enough Republican senators will stand against the Left’s radical LGBTQ agenda to thwart the Senate’s version of this perverted bill,” he said.
“It isn’t by accident that the Left and the evil forces behind them have set their marks on the demise of traditional marriage. They know if they can dismantle this most sacred union, everything else that stands upon its foundation will crumble as well.”
He quoted Del Tackett, who has written: “The reason God made ‘male’ and ‘female’ was for the purpose of bringing them together into a divine unity, a ‘oneness’ that brings our thoughts to the unity within the Triune God. And it was this unity of the male and female that would bring forth godly fruit… And it is here that we find the fundamental purpose for God creating us male and female, rather than some androgynous being. Any understanding of human sexuality outside of this context leads to serious error.”
Dobson explained the Bible is clear, stating in Genesis: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. … Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Dobson described it as “foolishness, or worse, evil itself,” to deny the facts of biology.
But he said just because the left’s agenda is “nefarious” doesn’t mean Christians should follow in kind.
“We must remember to treat those who differ from us with compassion and civility. This doesn’t mean we roll over when it comes to addressing the corruptness that is rampantly spreading across our land. Jesus never compromised truth for the sake of relating to those around Him. He never held back on addressing the sinfulness of man, especially when it related to the Pharisees and religious people of His day. And He most certainly didn’t believe that truth interferes with grace. Jesus was and still is the fullness of both grace and truth. He lovingly meets people where they’re at and calls them to turn from their sins and follow Him. This is our directive as well as we address the wickedness of our day.”
The agenda also is targeting children, he pointed out, with promotions of transgenderism, homosexual pride and more.
“Sadly, we don’t have allies in the White House when it comes to protecting our youngest. President Joe Biden and his radical social engineers are attempting to use Title IX to further expand their perverted LGBTQ agenda,” Dobson wrote.
That agenda would provide that boys who say they are girls be allowed in girls’ bathrooms and locker rooms.
The law originally intended to protect girls and woman “will not be used to protect fake girls and women,” he lamented.
He wrote, “Moms and dads, you are charged to raise your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. Sadly, your job has become a much tougher assignment in recent years. From hyper-sexualized school curriculums laced with LBGTQ rhetoric to the false teachings of CRT, your kids need you more than ever to point them to the truth. I cannot stress this enough; your local public school systems do not remotely share your Christian values. And if you’re not engaging the hearts and minds of your children, they will be more than happy to do it for you. “
Dobson has been called by the secular publications the nation’s “most influential evangelical leader,” and he founded and runs Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson on hundreds of broadcast outlets nationwide.
He also founded the influential Family Research Council in the 1980s. He received a doctorate in Psychology from Souothern Cal and served as an associate clinical professor of pediatrics at the School of Medicine there for years.
He also was on the staff of the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles, and he’s advised multiple presidents on family issues.
He has written dozens of books that have sold millions of copies, including “Dare to Discipline,” “The Strong-Willed Child,” “Bringing Up Boys,” “Bringing up Girls,” “When God Doesn’t Make Sense” and more.
The unclassifiable social media superstar Tim Pool has amassed an enormous online following — garnering nearly a half-billion YouTube views — by embracing an anti-establishment and anti-woke worldview that doesn’t adhere to conventional partisan politics. His foray into music represents a continuation of that mindset, with the recent self-release of his single “Only Ever Wanted.”
The song is Pool’s first to be released through his own label, Timcast Records. After telling his millions of followers to check it out, “Only Ever Wanted” surged in the charts, reaching the No. 2 spot in iTunes’ Top 10 Song Charts — just below Britney Spears’ first new song in six years — and the No. 1 spot in Alternative Rock.
“Only Ever Wanted” also features drummer Pete Parada, who was fired by the band Offspring for refusing to take the COVID-19 vaccine.
Watch below:
In a statement to Breitbart News, Tim Pool reacted to the song’s success and explained his anti-establishment approach to the arts.
“I had no idea it would take off the way it did but we are excited to see the response,” he said. “Pete Parada is an excellent drummer and we are glad to help him succeed after the Offspring had fired him.”
Last year, Parada announced on Instagram that his doctor advised him not to get the vaccine because he suffers from a rare autoimmune disorder.
He wrote that he was “unable to comply with what is increasingly becoming an industry mandate,” adding that leaving the band was ultimately not his choice. “[I]t has recently been decided that I am unsafe to be around, in the studio and on tour.”
Pool believes that “in order to win a culture war you need to build culture and right now our arts are dominated by woke cultism.”
“With Timcast Records we are hoping to create a space that will compete with major institutions so that people will not have to fear being canceled for voting for Trump or having the wrong opinion,” Pool said. “We already have several songs ready for release and hopefully an album done by the end of the year.”
Tim Pool is scheduled to interview Breitbart News editor-in-chief Alex Marlow on Thursday on his daily podcast.
I’m not sure about you, but my marriage feels like it would now qualify for a scratches and dents sale. After 25 years and three children, my husband and I have weathered some storms. I sometimes wonder if our marriage has lost its newlywed beauty.
Mike and I recently attended a wedding. The bride was stunning, and the groom gleamed with pride. Not a dry eye in the place. Weddings are beautiful—not just because of the music, flowers, dresses, and tuxes, but also because they represent young, unblemished love. Like the birth of a child, the beginning of a new family holds unending promise and boundless dreams that have not yet been tarnished by conflict and foolish choices.
I’m not sure about you, but my marriage feels like it would now qualify for a “scratches and dents” sale. After 25 years and three children, my husband and I have weathered some storms. Compared to the optimistic and glistening love of those recently married, I sometimes wonder if our marriage has lost its newlywed beauty. After all, rarely in the throes of real life do Mike and I gaze adoringly into each other’s eyes.
Instead of discovering one another with amazement, we finish each other’s sentences and politely laugh at the same jokes we have heard countless times over the years. Has the splendor faded with the monotony and trials of everyday life?
When I look at my marriage from a different perspective, one the world resists, I can see visions of beauty that make our wedding day look drab. Sure, our schedules are busy, we can feel buried by pressure and romance is a rare commodity. But the miracle of living alongside a man who knows me inside and out, yet still loves me, is priceless. The bumps and challenges, harsh words spoken, and tears shed over the years have left a dent or two. But I can choose to view those imperfections as a priceless exhibition of God’s grace rather than a fairy tale thwarted.
Wherever you are in your marriage, no doubt you have some scratches and dents too. Perhaps you are even tempted to see those scratches and dents as a sign that you are “settling for less.” Take heart in a biblical principle: Christ’s strength and glory do not shine through our perfection but through showing each other His grace in the midst of our weakness and disappointment.
Several years ago, I had the privilege of watching my parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Their bodies showed the scratches and dents of their lives and the lines on their faces spoke to the trials they had gone through together. Yet their eyes sparkled with a love that went far beyond their initial “I do.” Through them, I saw the beauty of a lived-out commitment that put even the most romantic wedding celebration to shame. What do you see when you look at your marriage?
Exclusive: Jerry Newcombe spotlights latest research showing benefits of the Bible’s rules for sex
Feb 15, 2022
Marriage is a gift from God. But marriage is in a sad state in America today, and we all suffer because of it.
I read recently about the movie star Joan Crawford who was legendary in her promiscuity. As her rival Bette Davis once reportedly sneered about her, “She slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.”
Apparently, in the miserable and difficult childhood of Lucille LeSouer (who later adopted the name Joan Crawford), there was a wound from the absence of her father, according to Shaun Considine’s book, “Bette and Joan,” which became the basis for the mini-series, “The Feud.”
Considine quotes someone else about Crawford’s childhood: “Being abandoned so often traumatized Joan. … She spent the rest of her life looking for a father – in husbands, lovers, studio executives and directors.” To this Considine adds, “When she found the ideal candidate, Joan felt safe, secure, validated. In time she expected them to leave, to reject her. When they didn’t, she grew suspicious, then resentful, and found ways to make them depart.” So sad.
That’s so far from God’s design, which is one man, one woman for life. His prohibitions against sex outside of marriage are for our good.
A fascinating article in a recent Wall Street Journal (Feb. 5), highlighted the findings of a study based on the marriages and many divorces among 50,000 women in the National Survey of Family Growth.
One can infer from the article’s headline that it’s best to avoid cohabitating before marriage: “Too Risky to Wed in Your 20s? Not If You Avoid Cohabiting First: Research shows that marrying young without ever having lived together with a partner makes for some of the lowest divorce rates.”
Brad Wilcox and Lyman Stone, the article’s authors, observe, “The idea that cohabitation is risky is surprising, given that a majority of young adults believe that living together is a good way to pretest the quality of your partners and your partnership.” But couples who live together before they wed “are less likely to be happily married and more likely to land in divorce court.”
Through the years, similar studies have found the same results: to prepare best for marriage, save sex for marriage. Even in the archives of UCLA is citation of a 1990s study from the Family Research Center in Washington, D.C., which says: “Other findings indicate that saving sex for marriage reduces the risk of divorce, and monogamous married couples are the most sexually satisfied Americans.” If you’re unfaithful before marriage, why should you be faithful after getting married?
In previous generations, cohabitation was viewed as more of a scandal. Of course, not all marriages were good by any means.
My dad used to tell a story where he and mom were playing bridge one day against another couple. The woman kept yelling and berating her partner at every turn.
Finally, dad asked her, “Are you two married?”
And she snapped, “Of course we are! Do you think I’d live in sin with an idiot like that?” – pointing to her henpecked husband. When I shared this anecdote with a friend, he thought that that story might discourage someone to consider marriage over cohabitation. Well, without proper preparation, bad marriages happen. (Sadly, sometimes even with preparation.)
I thank God that I have 42 years of empirical evidence that I married a saint. After all, my fantastic wife has put up with me for more than four decades. Thankfully, we spent more time preparing for the marriage than we did for the wedding.
I write this on Valentine’s Day 2022 – when we celebrate love and romance. Christian author Bill Federer notes that the best historical evidence is that Valentine’s Day customs go back to a third century Christian leader, who fell afoul of the Roman Empire and was martyred on Feb. 14, 269.
The reason for St. Valentine’s martyrdom was not only his rejection of Roman idolatry but also because he defied the emperor, who forbade men in the Roman army to marry. Writes Federer: “Roman Emperor Claudius II needed more soldiers to fight the invading Goths. He believed that men fought better if they were not married, so he banned traditional marriage in the military.”
But some of these soldiers wanted to be married, and Valentine secretly performed weddings for them. When the Roman leaders found out about this, he was arrested and sentenced to death. The jailer, who had a sick daughter, asked his prisoner, the holy man, to pray for his child. She got better, and the saint wrote her a short, encouraging note, signing it from “your Valentine.”
Jesus said, “I have come that they might have life and have it more abundantly.” That includes our relationships.
God’s design for marriage is for our good, and it helps spare people a lot of unnecessary unhappiness.
Marriage blessings are a great way to pray for your marriage because marriage is a gift – one of God’s amazing blessings. Yet often the greatest gifts in life are not always cherished the way they should be. Maybe because life gets busy, or we get hurried and distracted. Maybe because we start to take one another for granted. Or we disagree and let resentments hang on longer than they should.
Life gets hard.
The baggage we bring along from our past doesn’t help much either. What worked for us as two individuals, coping through the everyday stresses of life, may not work so well when joined as “one.” We spin our wheels comparing our own marriage to the next one over, complaining about the problems; falsely thinking it might propel the other to action. We long for brighter tomorrows, but instead get stuck, in regret and hurt. We begin to drift away. And sadly, many times, we start looking for the nearest door marked “Exit.”
There’s a battle over marriages today, and the enemy would love nothing more than to bring.you.down. His aim – to destroy. God’s aim – to build up. To provide marriage blessings over every part of your union.
But in all of the talk about marriage, defending our views, or pointing out differences, we have to ask ourselves – have we prayed? I mean, really prayed, consistently, over time, God’s blessings for our marriage? And if we’re not, then who is?
God promises in Isaiah 55:11 that His word will not return empty, without accomplishing great things.
There’s no magic formula in praying verses and words, but there is power through the Spirit of God. And there’s power in His Truth to bring forgiveness, healing, renewal, and restoration – no matter how bad things may seem. His reach is big. His love is huge. His grace covers all.
Prayer + God’s Word = Power, the pathway for Him to do miraculous things.
40 Powerful Marriage Blessings to Pray Over Your Marriage
Dear God,
We praise you for your love and faithfulness. We thank you for huge grace. We thank you that you give us the power to love well. Thank you for my spouse. Thank you for the gift of marriage. Thank you that you’re for us; that you fight for us. Thank you that you are Redeemer, and you have good in store. We confess, some days, marriage gets tough, and we blow it – again. We ask that you would make us more like you. Please fill our marriage and lives with truth and cover it with marriage blessings. Lord, we pray for…
Adoration – “My beloved is mine and I am his.” Song of Songs 2:16
Belief – “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved-you and your household.” Acts 16:31
Blessing – “He blesses the home of the righteous.” Prov. 3:33
Commitment – “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecc. 4:12
Courage – “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Josh. 1:9
Discernment – “And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ.” Phil. 1:9-10
Encouragement – “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29
Endurance – “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Cor. 13:7-8
Faithfulness – “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.” Prov.3:3-4
Favor – “May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us, establish the work of our hands…” Ps. 90:17
Forgiveness – “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Eph. 4:32
Friendship – “Two are better than one…if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.” Ecc. 4:9-10
Fruitfulness – “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Gal. 5:22-23
Generosity – “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.” Prov. 11:25
Gentleness – “Walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Eph. 4:1-3
Grace – “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Col. 4:6
Health – “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Prov. 16:24
Hope – “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you hope and a future.” Jer. 29:11
Humility – “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Phil. 2:3-4
Integrity – “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.” Prov. 10:9
Intimacy – “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Cor. 7:5
Joy – “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.” Prov. 5:18
Kindness – “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Prov. 31:26
Love – “May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other…” 1Thess. 3:12
Oneness – “They are no longer two but one flesh. What God has joined together, let no man separate.” Matt. 19:6
Peace – “May there be peace within your walls…” Ps. 122:7
Protection – “The Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.” 2 Thess. 3:3
Provision – “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 4:19
Purity – “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” Ps. 19:14
Purpose – “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Rom. 8:28
Respect – “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Eph. 5:33
Self-Control – “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Tim. 1:7
Servant-Hearted – “As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15
Strength – “The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.” Ps. 29:11
Submission – “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Eph. 5:21
Thankfulness – “Pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thess. 5:17-18
Trust – “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” 1 John 4:18
Understanding – “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way…” 1 Peter 3:7
Value – “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” Prov. 31:10
Wisdom – “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Prov. 4:23
All marriages go through periods where things just aren’t as they should be. It’s a natural occurrence in any relationship involving people. (I suppose this would include most marriages). The stress and pace of life causes tension in the best marriages. Even good marriages suffer at times, but you can strengthen your marriage.
Cheryl and I have had several of those times, usually due to external pressures we did not cause or invite. It could be my work – or hers – or family situations. Outside stress causes tension in the relationship. Things aren’t falling apart. We aren’t questioning our commitment to each other, but we both know things aren’t working as well as they should be. We are having more miscommunication, we are more tense in our reaction to each other, or we may just feel we are passing each other through our days, not connecting as well as we usually do. Thankfully, we’ve always been intentional to during those times.
Those times are usually seasonal and they happen in most every marriage. This appears especially true in the earlier years of the marriage, but we shouldn’t be surprised if they happen later in a marriage either. When major changes in the marriage or in life occur, such as children moving out of the house, loss of job, or other serious trauma, marriages can struggle for a time. That’s normal.
Those periods can last a week, a few weeks, or a month or more. It isn’t that the couple doesn’t love each other, or even that they want out of the marriage, but that they just aren’t on the same page as much as they should be. The key in these times isn’t to panic, but to intentionally work to strengthen your marriage.
Has your marriage ever been there?
During these times the way a couple responds is critically important to the long-term strength of the marriage. Ignoring these times – or pretending they don’t exist – could have disastrous consequences.
7 Suggestions to Strengthen Your Marriage:
Communicate
It is especially important during stressful seasons you keep talking, to each other and to God. Even when it’s awkward to do so keep the lines of communication open. Admit where you are in the marriage. Again, this may hurt for a time, but it’s better to be honest now than to allow the marriage to fall apart or slip further from health later. You may need to schedule times to talk – timing is important – but don’t neglect this one.
Stay close
Keep doing things together. Sleep in the same bed. Find times to do special activities. Have regular date nights. Talk. This will help protect your heart from wandering. You must not let the tension of the times become a wedge between you. This includes letting other people – friends, coworkers, in-laws, parents, even children – should not intefere in the closeness you share with your spouse. Protect the integrity of your relationship. At one time you would have probably considered yourselves best friends. Rekindle those days.
There will be times when you are tempted to say the wrong things or treat your spouse unkindly. It will require discipline to do the right thing, and say the right thing, but it will help protect the marriage. Here’s where you may have to use the Spirit of God’s strength working in you. Before you start to say something you may regret – whisper a prayer asking for God’s help.
I always suggest this question. Would you let other people talk to your spouse the way you are talking to them?
Get help
Don’t be afraid to ask for help – and, don’t wait until things are beyond repair to do so. Even the best marriages need some at times. This may be counseling, meeting with Christian friends you trust, or doing a Bible study together, but it is important you invite someone to speak into your life. This is an investment in your marriage which may help you get to a new level of trust and intimacy you’ve never experienced – or haven’t experienced in a while.
Of course, the greatest help you can get is from the Creator of marriage. Now is a time to grow your relationship with God individually and as a couple.
Learn
There are always principles to strengthen your marriage that can be learned during these times. Cheryl and I have learned, for example, that during especially stressful periods we have to be more intentional with our marriage. You may need to learn how to communicate better, how to handle conflict, or how to dream together again. This is a great season to do some of those things. It’s also a good idea to surround yourself with people in stronger marriages – maybe even find an older, mature couple to mentor you in marriage. (This is usually not parents. You need more objective voices.)
Be Patient
When you are in a “season” you’ll want change immediately, but relationships don’t work that way. Chances are it will take longer than you expect or want it to take to get through this period. Be patient. A good marriage is worth it.
Hang on
This may be the most important. Don’t give up! Renew your commitment to the marriage and each other. These seasons won’t last forever if you continue to work on your marriage. Be committed enough to your marriage to stick with it until this season passes. Every marriage can be restored and improved with two parties working together – especially if you are intentional and do something before things get desperate.
Keep in mind, I’m not talking about times of abuse, neglect, affairs, or severe marriage issues. I’m speaking of times when the marriage just isn’t as much fun anymore. This is also when both spouses still want the marriage to work and are willing to work at making the marriage better. If any of those more serious issues are occurring, get serious help immediately.
This article about how to strengthen your marriage originally appeared here,and is used by permission.
Fall in love again? No one gets married thinking their love for their spouse will fade. We go in believing those butterflies we felt when we first fell in love will last forever. But the truth is every married couple experiences times where they don’t feel as “in love” as they used to. Or the marriage relationship may begin to seem more ho-hum than they thought it should.
That’s why practicing celebrating love is so important to your marriage! Celebrating Love is one of our 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love.
Celebrating love is all about reveling in the emotional intimacy, physical love, and spiritual connections that bond you to your spouse. It’s a kind of love that protects you from drifting apart and enables you to fall in love and feel discovered all over again. It’s not always about occasional gifts and surprises. Celebrating love rejoices daily in the marriage you have and helps you feel cherished and captivated by the other. It is a reflection of God’s celebrating love as seen in Zephaniah 3:17: “The Lord … will rejoice over you with great gladness… He will exult over you by singing a happy song.”
Without celebrating love, your relationship will stagnate, and you will drift apart emotionally. But when you cultivate celebrating love in your marriage, you will reconnect with the heartfelt love you discovered when you first fell head over heels for each other. Celebrating love means growing deeper in love year after year, rediscovering what you almost forgot about each other, appreciating again what may have lost its shine, and displaying affection and appreciation for all that you find in each other. Celebrating love prompts you to exult with Solomon: “This is my lover, this my friend” (Song of Songs 5:16, NIV).
Celebrating love usually isn’t something that “comes over” you. You don’t just sit around and wait to fall in love again. You cultivate celebrating love intentionally. One of the primary ways to inspire daily celebration in your relationship is to purposely put each other first. Move your spouse to the top of your to-do list, just a bubble behind your love for Jesus.
This means you must make spending time together a priority, just as you did when you were first dating. We’re not just talking about “quality time.” Sometimes you need hundreds of hours of “quantity time” before you can enjoy real quality time with your spouse. You need frequent periods of time away from the kids and other responsibilities. Find enjoyable activities—everything from hobbies to foreplay to conversation—that will rekindle intimacy of heart and spirit. Give your spouse priority access to your time instead of just the leftovers.
Priority time for your spouse means occasional date nights and getaway weekends. These events should be scheduled in your calendar ahead of time, because if you wait until the last minute, you may have trouble fitting them into your busy life. (You may find our book 40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate helpful in planning dates!) But priority time also means smaller time slots each day, such as having dinner together, taking a brief walk, spending time talking, playing a game, or watching a favorite program together.
Priority time for what? Among all the enjoyable things you may do when you set aside time to be together, make communication a priority. Sure, you may spend a couple of hours in silence watching the ballet or a movie. But make the effort to fit periods of meaningful conversation into your time together. By meaningful we mean something more than how you liked the movie, what the kids did today, or how the economy is faring. Talk about the two of you—your goals, your dreams, even your disappointments and your hurts. Try to learn something new about your spouse every time you enjoy uninterrupted conversation.
Effective communication in marriage also means what you say through your body language. When you talk together, put down your phone and turn off the TV. Make eye contact and give undivided attention. Make physical contact through an occasional affirming touch. Draw out your spouse with questions that demonstrate your interest in what he or she is talking about. Ask God to help you focus directly on your spouse.
Lavish on your spouse the honor and pleasure of putting him or her first among your earthly relationships. It will prompt a daily celebration that will help you soar above the knotty problems and humdrum of daily life. You can fall in love again!
This article about how to fall in love again originally appeared here, and is used by permission.
One of the best things you can do for your marriage is to love God with your whole heart. One of the best things you can do for your kids is to love your spouse and put them first. One of the best things you can do for your mental health and for the health of every relationship in your life is to respect the relational hierarchy God has established.
The Bible gives us many dramatic examples of people who leave everything to follow God’s leading, but we’re also told heroic stories of people who left everything for a spouse. The story of Rebekah in Genesis chapter 24 is one of these dramatic examples of leaving and cleaving. Within the origin story of her marriage to Isaac, we find a compelling portrait of commitment.
The story of Rebekah begins with the story of Abraham and Sarah. They were an old couple who were faithful to God and were ultimately rewarded with the miraculous birth of their son, Isaac, who wasn’t born until the couple was old enough to be Great Grandparents. Isaac was their whole world, and when it came time for him to marry, Abraham looked around the foreign land where they lived and decided that God wanted his son to have a wife from Abraham’s original family community.
Abraham sent his most trusted servant back to the family homeland to find Isaac a wife. You really need to read this story for yourself in the Bible, because we can’t do it justice by paraphrasing it here. In a nutshell, the servant was drawn to Rebekah after praying that God would lead him to the right woman. The servant told Rebekah and her family who he was and why he was there.
I want you to put yourself in Rebekah’s shoes for a second. Imagine a stranger showing up at your house and saying, “Hey, you don’t know me, but some distant relatives you’ve never met sent me because they’re looking for a wife for their son. The women are crazy back where we live, and my boss wanted a nice girl like you to be his son’s wife. So, I’m pretty sure God is saying you’re the lucky lady who gets to ride home on this camel with me and meet your groom. All you have to do is leave your family behind and you probably won’t see them again for many years. You also have to commit your life to a man you’ve never met or even seen. Since social media doesn’t exist, you can’t even look him up to check him out. All you can do is just trust God is in all of this. So, are you in?”
Most of us would have called the police and said, “I think a human trafficker is here trying to lure young women with a really bizarre story about prearranged marriage and God’s will. I’ve listened to a lot of podcasts about this kind of stuff, and I’m pretty sure this guy is a criminal or at the very least a crazy person. Send help now.”
Rebekah did something few of us would have expected, she sensed God’s leading in all of it and she decided to go. It was her decision. She wasn’t sold into slavery. She wasn’t kidnapped. She wasn’t coerced in any way. With joy in her heart, she trusted God and left all she’d known behind to leave and cleave with a man she’d never met. She put God first and God blessed her for it.
Maybe we wouldn’t give the “Rebekah Plan” dating advice to our kids, but there’s still valuable insights within her story about what it takes to make a marriage work. Rebekah and Isaac didn’t have a perfect marriage, but they were committed to God and to each other and God blessed them in countless ways. Through their descendants came the entire nation of Israel, and eventually, a king born in a manger who would be the Savior of the world.
Rebekah left her family behind, but she didn’t disown or dishonor them. She raised her sons to have a respect for her heritage and for her family. When her boys were grown, her son Jacob left home and went to work for Rebekah’s brother back in Rebekah’s hometown. Jacob started his own family there.
We’re skipping over a lot in these stories; and there’s a lot of dysfunctional behavior from everyone involved, but there’s still good principles we can learn from this family. First off, every family has imperfect people. Next, being willing to leave and cleave is important, but it’s also a beautiful gift when you can preserve, cultivate, and share a multi-generational family legacy with both sides of the family.
In our own marriage, we now have a beautiful, multigenerational bond, but there have certainly been some bumps in the road along the way. We started as newlyweds just minutes away from where we’d both grown up. Both sets of parents were just a quick drive away. There were advantages of having family close by, but there were also some complications. As the first sibling in either family to get married, we were trailblazing a new path that both families had to adjust to. We had to figure out what it meant to be independent; and at first, we weren’t very good at it. Our families also struggled to see us as a unified family unit of our own as opposed to the same kids they’d always known who were just wearing wedding rings.
While we had some wonderful moments and memories in those early years of marriage, our intimacy and connection went to a new level around five years into our marriage when we moved away from home. We felt led to take a ministry position out of state, and with a toddler in tow and pregnant with number two, we loaded up a Uhaul and set out on a great adventure. Putting down roots in a new place caused us to leave and cleave on a new level, and as a result, we experienced more unity than we’d previously thought possible. In many ways, we didn’t become a family of our own until we made that move. We’ve known many other couples who share a similar testimony about their marriage growing stronger as a direct result of moving.
We’re certainly not saying everyone has to move away from home to have a good marriage, but for many of the couples we’ve counseled along the way, it would be an option worth considering. Had we never left home, our marriage probably wouldn’t be as strong as it is now. Ironically, we even believe our relationships with our families are stronger and healthier as a result of our marriage growing stronger through the move.
The physical distance forced us to lean on each other in a deeper sense partnership. The leaving made the cleaving more meaningful. The physical distance also helped establish some necessary boundaries with extended family that we hadn’t been able to fully establish while living in the same town. Even if it’s just for a season, most couples could benefit in their marriage and in their family relationships with some time living away.
Leaving and cleaving, however, is about your mindset much more than your physical location. It’s possible to move away from home and yet still be unnaturally tethered to a parent. It’s also possible to live right next door to parents (or in the same house for that matter) and still have healthy boundaries and independence as a couple. The goal here isn’t in physical distance; it’s in spiritual maturity.
God wants you and your spouse to lean on Him for your approval. He wants you to trust in Him for your direction. He wants you to follow His direction by putting your marriage above every other human relationship. He wants you to experience the beautiful intimacy that He intended for marriage without unnatural interference from family or anyone else within the sacred bonds of your marriage covenant. He also wants you to do your part to honor your parents and in-laws and as far as it depends on you to cultivate a healthy, multi-generational family.
If you’re not sure where to start with all of this, start by simply committing to following God’s plan for marriage. This includes leaving the authority of your parents and cleaving to your spouse as a new family. Once you put yourself under God’s authority, you’re in the safest place on earth. That simple act of faith invites His peace to fill your heart and your home. It might still be a long and messy journey to establish healthy boundaries and healthy relationships with your family and in-laws, but if you’ll choose to do it God’s way, then you can have the peace of knowing you’re on the right track and that the Lord with you every step of the way.
In the past six years of blogging, I’ve learned a little secret of how to get people to care about whatever marriage principle I’m writing about:
Include some benefit for their kids.
I’ve learned when I say things like, “Hey, studies have shown that the strength of your closest relationship does more to predict your life expectancy than your health, air quality or income.” People say, “Oh interesting.”
But when I say, “Hey, studies have shown that the stronger your marriage, the happier and more stable your kids turn out.” People say, “WHAT?!?! HOW CAN WE STRENGTHEN OUR MARRIAGE?!?!”
By FAR the most feedback and interest on my weekly Sex Question Wednesdays is not when I talk about how to make our sex lives better, it’s when when I talk about how to make our KIDS have a healthier sexuality.
Likewise, when I talk about negative emotion intolerance, my audience shrugs indifferently. But when I say “here’s how we increase our kids’ negative emotion intolerance”….. those are some of my most popular posts.
I find this phenomenon fascinating. It never fails. I don’t have a mommy blog, but I can see why mommy blogs VASTLY outnumber marriage blogs.
Its as if we’ve given up on our ourselves and all our hopes and dreams now lie with our kids.* We care FAR more about our kids’ happiness than we do about our marital happiness. The irony of course is that a happy marriage IS how you raise happy kids.
Speaking of ironies, here’s a few more: – The way we teach our kids emotional regulation IS TO BE EMOTIONALLY REGULATED OURSELVES! – The only way to teach our kids that sex is positive and beautiful is if SEX IS ACTUALLY A POSITIVE AND BEAUTIFUL THING IN OUR LIVES! – The way we set our kids up to develop healthy stable relationships, is TO MODEL A HEALTHY STABLE RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR SPOUSE!
We cannot fake this.
Believe me, I have tried.
I’ve tried to get my kids to care about cleaning. But my attempts to make them care about keeping their rooms tidy when mine consistently looks like Hurricane Lazy just blew through, fall flat.
In the end, who we are and what we care about, not what we say, is what is going to influence our kids.
Personal story time.
This summer, I’ve seen a lot of questions and discussions on how to talk to our kids about race. These are good and appropriate questions and discussions, but here’s the thing, unless we, their parents, actually truly care about racial equality, our kids won’t either. They’re not going to remember those three conversations we initiated, they’ll remember and internalize the hundreds of conversations we had about the house or the neighbors or whatever it is that is on our mind all the time and pops out of our mouths without forethought.
Many, many years ago for a book club we read Nurture Shock. In the chapter about race it said it’s not enough to say to our kids, “everyone is equal, we love everyone.” They mentioned a study where a first grade class was arbitrarily divided in half. Half wore red shirts all week, the other half blue. At the end of the week, researchers asked each group a series of questions. Both groups reported thinking that their shirt color group was smarter, kinder, harder working and better in every way than the other color. If we don’t PROACTIVELY teach our kids otherwise, they will have this same tendency with skin color, especially factoring in white privilege. We have to teach them the history of oppression and privilege.
I read this and can honestly say this was the first time I put any real thought into what I was doing to teach my kids about race. I felt called out. I thought I was doing good to say, “Everyone is equal, we love everyone.” I didn’t know what else TO say. It seemed so tricky and hard to talk to them about it. I didn’t want to accidentally say the wrong thing.
Fast forward seven years and I care now about racism in a way I never did then. I started noticing and caring and reading; and with time, I started to see my own privilege bubble. To say I’m embarrassed by my former small-mindedness is an understatement.
All that to say, now I care about racial equality. And I care not just to make my kids anti-racist, but I strive FOR ME to be anti-racist, independent of any benefit to them. I’m not saying I’m perfect or I’m doing enough, it will be a life-long endeavor, but I do CARE.
So this summer talking to my kids about race felt like a night and day difference to talking with them seven years ago. It doesn’t feel tricky or hard. I don’t stop to wonder if I’m saying the wrong thing. I don’t scratch my head and think, “What do I say?” It feels more like, “How can I NOT talk to them about something that is consuming so many of my thoughts?” I don’t flounder for words, I say what is on my mind and heart. They saw me crying when footage of George Floyd broke. They cried with me. Our conversations never felt forced or awkward or formal, they flowed as a natural extension of something I care about.
Yet another personal story:
I experienced the exact same thing in teaching my kids about sex. With my oldest, I was so nervous and anxious, so desperate to say just the right words- to get her excited, but not too excited, ya know? It felt so tricky. My confidence in my ability to tread these waters was so low, that I actually copied an exact script from a how to talk to your kids about sex book and brought NOTE CARDS to have a conversation with my daughter. Yikes…..
As if I thought my words would speak louder than the anxiety oozing out of my tone, dripping off my body language, flowing from the formal awkwardness, and duh, my note cards.
I was hoping to bring my daughter up past my own level of development. I was hoping to instill in her a positive relationship with something I didn’t yet have.
(and I know there are a few of you out there with this same hope, since when I told of this epic failure in my stories, not 1, not 2, but FOUR of you DM’d me asking for my script……. )
Over the next few years I did a lot of work in improving my own relationship with my own sexuality. Consequently, teaching my second daughter about sex didn’t feel forced or awkward. And it isn’t just a one-time conversation, it’s an on-going flow of something I think a lot about. My excitement for her sexual development is genuine instead of laced with palpable anxiety.
This I know: if we want to teach our kids to love themselves, we don’t do it by finding the right words to teach them about love – WE LOVE OURSELVES. If we want to teach them forgiveness, WE FORGIVE. If we want to teach them to apologize effectively, WE APOLOGIZE. If we want our kids to be good spouses one day- WE BECOME A GOOD SPOUSE. If we want our kids to care about racial equality, we have to care first. If we want our kids to have healthy sexuality- WE must develop a healthy relationship with our own sexuality.
Good parenting doesn’t look like I once thought it would- it doesn’t look like endless self-sacrifice, rigid discipline and formal sit down teaching sessions. It’s so tempting to believe that if we set enough rules and have the right scripts, we can control our kids turning out just the way we want.
But rather, good parenting, I’m realizing, looks an awful lot like letting go of trying to control my kids and refocusing those efforts onto my own learning and growing and developing into the kind of human I hope they one day become.
*Friendly reminder, we are worthy of having dreams and developing ourselves even if there wasn’t one lick of benefit for our kids. We are worth self development for our own sake! I mean our own development and pursuing our dreams will ironically always benefit our kids, but even if that weren’t true, we’re allowed to develop for our own sake!
Jesus cleanses a leper. ‘And he stretched forth his hand, and touched him, saying, I will; be thou made clean. And straightaway his leprosy was cleansed’. Matthew viii 1-4 (Photo by Culture Club/Getty Images)
October 5, 2021 Michael & Monique Kingsley
Early one Monday morning in 2018, Michael Kingsley prepared to travel from San Diego to Texas for an often-typical work week, but this time felt different. His wife, Monique, grabbed his arm and earnestly begged him not to go. To both their dismay, Michael ripped his arm from her grasp and got on a plane anyway.
Ten years earlier, theirs was a whirlwind romance. Michael and Monique met briefly in college but didn’t really connect until a small reunion shortly after graduating. In prime Christian dating fashion, he asked her what church service she’d be attending the next day so they could attend together. Monique knew within a couple weeks of dating that he was the one, and they got married a year and a half later, in 2007, head over heels smitten with one another.
As soon as they got married, life came at them full speed. They were building their careers (Monique was a lawyer and Michael a structural engineer), buying their first home, having kids and raising kids. “These were all good things, but our priorities started going out of line. We had both been Christians our whole lives, and if you asked us if God were first in our lives, we would immediately say, ‘Yes.’ But were we in the Word every day? No. Was He truly first? No,” says Monique. “The cares of this world were taking over.” In a noble effort to provide for his family and allow Monique to stay home with their two boys, Michael began pursuing his career at all costs. He was working more and more, and then began traveling out of town for business for entire weeks at a time. “I’d go to bed with him on Sunday night and wake up alone. Then I’d wake up the next Saturday morning with him there. In between, he was just gone,” says Monique. As a type A person, Monique tried to keep things positive: He is doing this for us! We have a beautiful home, and money is good. I get to stay with my kids all day. I have my parents to help. I shouldn’t be complaining at all. But the weight of her husband’s absence was stacking up.
Monique’s heart filled with anxiety, and she even started feeling physically sick. “I was prepared to get all these tests with my doctor, when he said, ‘Monique, in the last thirty days, how many of those days have been happy and how many have been sad?’” she says. “And I just broke down crying.” Monique approached Michael and told him they couldn’t continue on their current path of living apart, even if it meant a pay cut or her going back to work. “I had this sense of doom, but Mike ignored me,” she says. Michael’s eyes were on the prize of building his career and providing for his family financially. He felt like he was doing right by his family, but his heart had hardened toward their real need: him.
Things got worse. Most of their good friends moved away from San Diego for one reason or another, and Michael started working with a new team, no longer with the family-centered guys Monique had come to trust over the years. It was a perfect storm. Then that one Monday morning came. She begged. He left. And when he came back, everything had changed.
Michael’s plane ride that day was hell on earth. Guilt completely wrecked him. He started drinking to calm the torrent of thoughts in his mind: What has my life become? I just pulled away from my wife and left her there! But I need to go to this meeting. This meeting is important. I did it for the right reasons. I have to go to this meeting. When he landed in Texas and turned on his phone, calls and messages started pouring in. The meeting was canceled.
He spiraled. His team took him out to a bar in the middle of nowhere near Fort Stockton.
Michael woke up in a room he’d never seen, in a house he didn’t know. He remembers enough of the night before to know there was a girl and something happened. She was gone already, but he knew. He had cheated on his wife.
When Michael returned to San Diego that Friday, Monique was shocked at his appearance. “He looked terrible. Like he was sick and had lost weight,” she says. “He wouldn’t kiss me on the mouth, and that was strange. He kept saying, ‘I’m sick. I’m sick.’”
That Sunday was Mother’s Day, and Monique sat in bed while her two boys brought her toast and little presents. The big gift was a necklace with all their initials on it. Monique was thrilled—she had always wanted a necklace like that. “I said thank you to the boys and looked over at Mike, and he was crying,” she says. Monique settled the boys in front of the tv and went back to her room to find Mike on the floor weeping. He started saying that he had been trying to get through the weekend so she could have a nice Mother’s Day, but he couldn’t do it. He wanted to tell her the truth. Monique’s mind flew to what could possibly be wrong, but nothing could have prepared Monique for him to say, “It was another woman.”
“I can tell you what I was wearing, what he was wearing, every aspect of the room,” Monique says. “His face was in my lap, soaking my pajamas in his tears, and my world stopped.” Michael began begging Monique to forgive him. He told her that he loved her and would do anything to fix this. He explained how he didn’t want to kiss her or touch her when he got home because he had gotten STD testing but still hadn’t received the results back. He wept as he begged her to stay. He wanted their marriage and wanted what they had to be real.
Monique sat there thinking, This is not him. He was not a flirtatious guy. In the construction industry, where men are sometimes notorious for being kind of backwards and inappropriate toward women, Michael was the opposite. She and Michael had only ever been with each other intimately, and this did not compute. “But I immediately forgave him in that moment. I don’t know how to explain it other than it was from God, and it was the gospel working itself out through me,” she says. But that choice to forgive didn’t take away from the shock and the hurt and the work ahead.
Monique made it through the rest of Mother’s Day, which included an excruciating brunch with family, and then collapsed into a ball that night. She called her best friend, who had moved to Texas six months earlier and started attending Gateway Church. “I was scream-crying on the phone with her, and she was scream-crying back,” Monique says. “And then she said she had recently heard at church of a ministry called MarriageToday (now XO Marriage) and sent me the website.” Through tears, Monique visited the website late that night and saw a program named Coaches on Call. She read that if your marriage is in crisis, you can request for a trained marriage coach to contact you within 24 hours for $75. Done.
Within a few hours, a woman named Teresa was calling Monique. Teresa spent an hour on the phone with Monique and Michael. “That woman was sent by God. She took our crisis and this big storm, and she made it small. She helped us set up a plan for the next few weeks. She got nitty gritty,” Monique says. Teresa asked specific questions to help them navigate the difficult days ahead: Can Michael call you honey or babe? Can he touch you? Is he sleeping in your bed? Who is picking up the kids from school? Who is cooking dinner? Who is doing the laundry? Teresa also sent them a 21-Day Journey devotional for them to go through each day on their own. “Although our life looked picture perfect before this happened and we thought we were in line with God, our priorities and our hearts had gotten off track,” Monique says. “Healing needed to start with our individual relationships with the Lord.”
Monique and Michael pursued a three-hour in-person mediation meeting and a couple follow-up calls with Teresa and another coach, Susan, who lovingly led them through this season alongside a certified Christian marriage therapist in the area. “The help XO Marriage provided saved our marriage and our family,” Monique says. “They took something that could have been ruin and devastation and scorched earth, and helped us put it back together again.” Teresa and Susan’s help was practical and spiritual. They coached Monique and Michael to re-commit to each other, clearly identify their needs, and create and agree to ground rules for when hot button issues arise. “It’s not a matter of if conflict happens. It’s when it happens,” Monique says. “So we established small, actionable plans on how to handle seemingly huge emotional situations in a healthy way. It was a game-changer.”
Michael put a stop to his work travel and was present, fully repentant, and committed to the process with Monique, which made all the difference, but healing is not quick. “The initial decision to forgive was quick and easy for me, but what came next was reminding myself every day that I chose to make that decision. It was hard, and I sank into depression,” she says. “Most days, I didn’t want to get out of bed or leave the house, and I gained 25 pounds.” The weight gain made her feel uncomfortable in her own skin and even ugly, especially after feeling intimately violated by her husband’s action. She struggled with the idea that he made a choice, but she was walking through the consequences of that choice. “We each came out of this with our own struggles. Mine is working through a path of forgiveness daily—I learned I have to keep my mind right. I have to be in the Word and worshipping,” she says. “To this day, I have to be vigilant to keep my heart from bitterness.”
This year, they both started seeing the sun coming through the clouds of the situation. Michael and Monique were reintroduced to the friendship and attraction that had brought them together many years earlier. Their priorities are now in line, and the XO Marriage team taught them how to shore up their lines when they find themselves slipping back into old habits. For the first time in their marriage, they can truthfully say, “Yes, God is first in our lives.” They are moving forward hand in hand, more in tune with one another than ever before, and as difficult as it is, they are telling their story.
For Monique and Michael, forgiveness isn’t forgetting something happened. It’s a monument you build of what you learned and how God got you through it. “I want to never forget Mother’s Day 2018,” she says. “There are moments when I wish it never happened, but I never want to forget it because that’s where the gospel met us, and we truly decided what and Who we believe.”
Do you have a story of how XO has impacted your marriage? We would love to hear it! Click here to share your story.
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